Confessions of a Former Narcissist; Understanding Unconditional Love
Written By Alethea Jimison
Understanding Unconditional Love
If I was my own fairy god-mother, I would have visited myself at the age of twenty and taken the time to explain what love truly was. All my life, I heard that love was unconditional, and I thought I understood what that meant. I went into relationship after relationship like a hurricane wreaking havoc and destruction along the way.
After watching my mother fail at love constantly and being told that men only wanted one thing from me, I approached love as if it was a war. I had every defense in place and was determined to never allow a man to destroy me. I became a weapon of mass destruction and plundered my way through an imaginary battlefield leaving broken hearts strewn across my path.
I became self-destructive by choosing men who didn’t really want me. The cheaters and players were the ones that I felt drawn to. When I think about it now, I see that I was really looking for myself within them. I was trying to uncover the mystery of what made these men hard to reach without even realizing that I was trying to free myself from my own ice tower. They were the exact reflection of me.
Some women are attracted to bad boy or bad girls because they see the potential
Although I was attracted to compassionate and vulnerable people, they scared me because I did not believe that I deserved to be with someone amazing. I saw myself as a self-serving egotistical narcissist. I was full of rage and self- loathing. I avoided anyone who was too respectable or compassionate because I was not ready to shatter someone else’s dreams. I had a conscience somewhere after all.
Some women are attracted to bad boys or bad girls because they want to save someone. They “see the potential.” This is an unhealthy and pathetic form of love. What you are really trying to do is change someone by forcing their potential on them. Run the other way. Going after a broken wild heart is like falling in love with someone who smokes when you hate smoking then trying to force them to quit. Conditional love. You knew they were a smoker before you fell in love. You should accept that they have the choice to continue smoking or the choice to quit. Not you.
Falling in love happens when you direct your attention to an object of desire and allow it to thrive.
It is not up to you to attempt to change a person. If you decide to give your attention at the rate that allows love to thrive, you are the one who lowered your own standards. It’s time to accept your decision and wave the smoke out of your face or have the strength to set standards for yourself upfront.
Some people say, “I didn’t decide to fall in love. It just happened.” This is another misstatement of truth. Falling in love happens when you direct your attention to an object of desire and allow it to thrive. Saying that you didn’t decide to fall in love is like going through a fast-food drive-through while on a diet. You swear you meant to buy that salad, but the smell of the fresh burger and fries was too tempting to resist… and of course, you had to wash it down with a soda. But hey! At least you got a diet coke. Right?
It is important to always be aware of the endless possibility of external influences that may impact your life
You may not have intentionally planned on falling in love with Mr. or Miss Wrong, but it is important to always be aware of the endless possibility of external influences making an impact on your life. Make an effort to direct your attention appropriately to maximize the opportunity for the results you want. It is necessary to take preventative measures while sticking to a diet, right? Do the same thing with your love life by paying attention to what is sprouting in your garden before it gets out of hand.
I found that when I gave my attention to a person to ease my loneliness or sexual frustration, I never had the deliberate intention of falling in love. I kept telling myself that I was just having fun.
What I was really doing was directing my energy to people for a sexual exchange and creating unnecessary relationships that developed into unhealthy attachments.
I wasn’t falling into unconditional love. I was falling into a cycle of trying to fit a person into my life that wasn’t the right match for me. I would try to mold this person to fit my needs because I never identified my needs in advance and set the intention to manifest my partner.
I went into love haphazardly. I didn’t even take the time to work on myself to become the person who was worthy of the partner I dreamed of. I was a liar, a cheat, misanthropic and yet- somehow, I was expecting to find this magical person that I was running from because even my unconscious spirit had the integrity that my conscience spirit lacked.
Falling for a toxic person is a spiritual cry for recognition
Falling for a toxic person is a spiritual cry for recognition. It’s an unconscious cry for help that we don’t hear because we fail to see the true self. Falling for a toxic person is one method that our souls use to teach us about self-love. The toxic person is a reflection of a lack within our own self. This is why a cheater is heartless until they fall in love with a cheater. A liar is dishonest until they fall in love with a liar. We need to fall in love with ourselves.
