10 tips for feeling like a sexy mom
Written By Alethea Jimison
Alethea Jimison
The Wordsmith
Every mom gets a case of the UGH!
There are moments when I have been going full-blast for months until one day I look at myself in the mirror and say, “Ugh!”
Have you been feeling frumpy trying to keep up with everything between working a full-time job and managing a household as a mother? How do you find the time and energy to go above and beyond to add the sass back into your walk?
It’s time to stop the neglect and get back our self-confidence ladies! We are mothers, and some of us are wives. We still have some bada-bing left, dammit. It’s time to stop putting it on a shelf and get our sexy back.
Remember the youthful blush of “nymphhood” before kids? When I was in my twenties, I felt like a sexy badass. I walked with my shoulders back, chin high, a sway in my hips. I strutted in my fierce Calvin Klein lace top six-inch stilettos as if I was on a runway. I tossed my long, perfectly rolled cascading curls of raven locks over my shoulders. As I felt eyes of admiration upon my curvy frame, I flashed a confident half-grin over my shoulder at the riveted eyes staring.
Where does the sexy go?
Ah, the good ole days. A time of firm breasts, a smooth belly, and indomitable youth. I tip my wineglass to the girl I was before. She was the girl in the short skirt and scarlet red Kat Von D lipstick, glitter eyeshadow, and brash courage. Well, actually, I would tip my cheap $1.99 Boones Strawberry Hill wine bottle to her because that is what she drank-straight out of the bottle. She was the version of me who could afford to spend all of her money on vanity and three hours a day trying to look like Beyonce Knowles.
I’ve always been on the curvy side because of my love for at least 1,400 calories a day and my decadent appreciation for crunchy, salty, chips. I even wrote a poem about chips called Ode to the Chip. While I was in my twenties, I could eat poorly and dance it off in a nightclub four nights a week. All that changed for me when I became a wife and a mother.
After five years of marriage, two children, no clubbing, and southern cooking, I went from a curvy size eight to a country housewife size twenty-four. Being four ft. eleven inches tall, meant I was as round as a southern cherry pie- which was my favorite dessert!
I replaced all of my sexy clothes with loose flowing clothing to hide my fat rolls. Did I mention I love rolls? The more butter, the better! Oh dear, I digress.
As I was saying, I wore spandex granny-panties, tummy-tuck pantyhose trying to give the illusion that I was smaller than I was. I was lying to myself to fit into a smaller size. My bras looked like armor and I was too heavy to teeter on six-inch heels. To be honest, after years of abusing my feet in stilts, I was developing an unsexy bunion on my left foot. Shudder- What woman wants to even admit that?
I spent years being heavily obese before I made it down to a size 6 years later by losing almost a hundred pounds. I went through significant lifestyle changes. One thing I learned is no matter how much weight I lost, I had to deal with my body dysmorphia and the distortion of belief caused by years of low self-esteem. I had to figure out how to get my sexy back.
In 2012; I was newly divorced and going through the chaos of change. I remember sobbing on the phone to my mother, “who would want to date a middle-aged chubby single mother with saggy boobs and a belly flap?” I wailed into the phone. I could hear her sigh of sympathy and exasperation.
“You’re thirty-two years old for Chrissake! You are not middle-aged. You’re beautiful. You need to work on your low self-esteem. You’re the one who stopped working on your breast exercises. I told you they would start sagging if you didn’t do the work. The Alethea I raised used to be confident and full of herself. Now you can’t even look in the mirror.”
I gasped in stunned disbelief as my mother ruthlessly put me in check. She was right. I haven’t done a boob clench in over fifteen years. My memory flashed back to when I was sixteen years old, with my mother standing in front of me like a drill sergeant.
“We must, we must, we must increase our bust!” She barked at me curtly while making the muscles under her breasts clench like Arnold Schwarzenegger at a body-building competition. Her perfectly pert forty-plus-year-old breasts bounced without aid. Breasts that suckled six children, I might add.
I chewed on my lower lip in consternation. How the hell did I go from being full of myself to full of self-loathing? This was unacceptable! I needed to get myself together.
Being an experienced corporate trainer with skills in project management, I did what I always do- I got out my handy-dandy Google Drive spreadsheet and started a needs analysis of why I had low self-esteem.
I had no one to blame for my low self-esteem. First, I had to acknowledge that I actually had low self-esteem. I was ashamed that I was ashamed of myself; which is insane! After analysis, I identified the problem. I was so obsessed with my weight due to my years of obesity that I kept following Instagram models and fitness models for “inspiration” for my fitness goals. Big mistake. Huge mistake.
Step #1: Stop comparing yourself to other women.
This seems like a no brainer but we obsessively do this. It’s absurd. You’re telling yourself that you are better than another woman or worse than another woman. This is disempowering. You will never be good enough if you are constantly comparing yourself to other women.
Solution:
It’s time to spend a lot of time staring at yourself naked in the mirror. Front to back. Stare at yourself until you learn how to stop averting my eyes from your body.
Staring at yourself naked may be challenging at first if you have body dysmorphia or limiting beliefs about your physical attractiveness. When you stare at yourself naked for months, you can get to a point where you are able to stop being critical and start seeing beauty.
What if that big butt you hate is actually sexy? Marilyn Monroe and Mae West were curvaceous women and sex icons. Try considering your curves to be an asset instead of a curse.
If you’re on the slender side and feel unconfident because you wanted more curves, what if you consider your lines to be svelte instead of shapeless? Find new words to use to describe your body. Throw away derogatory terms.
Step #2: Focus on the things you appreciate about yourself.
As I got used to seeing myself naked again, I stopped hating what I saw. I started to see my beauty. I remembered that I had full lips, cat-shaped eyes, and smooth even skin. We all have something beautifully unique about ourselves. It’s important that we remember what they are.
Solution:
Be grateful for what you have and appreciate your body’s functionality. Touch your body and tell your body, “Thank you.” Start paying attention to how valuable your body is to you for your day-to-day life experiences. Speaking hatefully about your body is abusive. Treating your body poorly is also a form of abuse. Would you do that to your children? Why do it to yourself?
Your body is an asset and you need to make sure you are developing a strong relationship with it through effective communication skills. Your body is always communicating with you. Does it hurt? Does it feel good? Start listening so you can give yourself what you need. Your body is an extension of your consciousness. Treat it with the same love and consideration you show your family. You are worthy of love- especially from yourself.
Step #3: Wear Sexy and Comfortable undergarments
This step was crucial for my progress. Most women do not realize that they are wearing the wrong panty and/or bra type. Our bodies are unique. If you’re buying your undergarments from a store that sells food, you are doing it wrong.
I have a tummy flap from being more than 100lbs overweight for several years. When I lost the weight in less than a year, it left me with a tummy that sagged significantly. This was one reason I was uncomfortable with my body. No matter what type of panties I wore, my belly would flop out of my panties with an embarrassing slapping noise. I resigned myself to high-waisted cotton Haynes with disappointment for years.
I also have wide hips and a large derriere. This meant that unless I wore granny panties, I was always pulling a wedgie out of my nether regions. It’s embarrassing when you’re trying to find a discreet way to pull out a wedgie in a public environment. Feeling uncomfortable and shame in the clothes you wear hinders any potential for feeling sexy.
Solution:
Find a store that sells lingerie that caters to your body shape. Never settle for poor quality undergarments that make you feel unattractive or uncomfortable. There is a store called Vanity Fair Outlet which specializes in underwear. The store has an almost unlimited number of brands for all shapes and body sizes.
When I started shopping at Vanity Fair Outlet, I was able to finally find my match. I started wearing the Jessica Simpson brand. Jessica Simpson is also a full-figured woman who has wide hips, and a curvy shape. Shopping at the right store is guaranteed to give you an opportunity to find a style that is meant for you body type. Sexy and comfortable can exist together.
Wearing sexy undergarments can help you feel sexy. Feeling sexy makes a woman walk differently. Feeling sexy can also make you want to take your clothes off more slowly and sensually. Feeling more confident about getting dressed and undressed in front of your partner can give you a nice boost of confidence.
Step #4: Identify your comfort threshold for weight management
A common challenge that many moms face is weight fluctuation. That is why it’s important to make sure you have a threshold. I am four foot, eleven inches tall. According to my BMI statistics, I should weigh between 100-120lbs. Believing the BMI statistic made me insecure in the first place since I haven’t been under 120lbs since I was in high-school. I gave that expectation two high-flying birds and created a minimum/maximum range for myself.
When I am on my A-game, I weigh around 135lbs. This means life is calm and usually happens whenever I’m single because I tend to focus on myself more. I obsessively work overtime to avoid loneliness, exercise every day and eat chips and salsa for dinner when the kids are staying with their father. This is not my usual weight. This is the weight I used to obsess about obtaining and sustaining. Not anymore. I’m not saying give up, I’m saying have a threshold but don’t be obsessive. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable in your own body.
Example
With my current lifestyle, I average around 138-143 (size 6-8 range). This is the weight I am comfortable at. I can fit into all of my sexy clothes without busting out like a can of Pillsbury biscuits.
When I am being negligent of my health and eating poorly, I hit my “Oh hell no!” weight. This happens at 145-148lbs (size 9-10 range). This is when I will go on a diet and start running again to manage my weight for 2-4 weeks.
Step 5: Do something that helps get your body moving every day.
You don’t have to be a gym bunny to be sexy. Sexy is a state of mind, not a body type. You need to take care of your body. A body that feels good is a body that hosts a mind that feels good. It’s important to do an activity that gets your body moving and blood flowing daily. Cells need oxygen and movement otherwise we become stagnant and develop an achy body. The more you hurt, the less you want to move.
Solution
Find a fitness routine that is sustainable as apart of your lifestyle. If you hate gyms, don’t waste your money signing up for one. I am pretty active, but inconsistent with exercise because it bores me. I find other ways to stay active. I will sweep and mop the entire house on a day that I don’t want to go for a jog.
Try going for a 30-minute bike ride on a beautiful day- it feels like flying and it’s more entertaining than driving since you’re going slower. You can enjoy the view.
The possibilities are unlimited. Try to get in 30-90 minutes a day. You can break the sessions into multiple workouts a day. You don’t need a gym routine to be active, but you need a weekly commitment plan to help you stay on track.
If a full 30-90 minute work out seems intimidating, try to stop working every two hours and do something that gets your blood flowing for about 5-15 minutes. Leading a sedentary lifestyle is causing so many health problems for us. Physical activity releases endorphins which contribute to a better mood and better self-esteem.
Step #6: Eat responsibly
When I was obsessed with my weight, I memorized the nutritional labels of everything I ate. I still didn’t keep the weight off or control my eating habits. I was so obsessed that I struggled with bulimia for several years. I learned that obsessing over food was affecting my self-esteem. Now, I like to keep it simple.
Solution
Try a whole food diet. It doesn’t make you feel starved like other diets- believe me, I’ve tried them all! 85-95% of the food you buy should only have one ingredient. That means about 85-95% of your groceries are just fresh fruits, vegetables and meat. For anything packaged, try to eat food with simple ingredient labels. Try to buy things that have less than three ingredients on the label. If a label has something that you can’t pronounce without sounding illiterate, don’t buy it. This minimized most of your options for food that contributes to health issues. This allows you to keep your shopping simple.
When you give up food that has been “Frankensteined” and commit to eating whole food options, you eliminate many food choices that contribute to weight issues. I know my triggers; bread, chips, and cheese. I limit these by only buying them when I am “PMSing.” I usually try to buy healthier unprocessed alternatives.
Step #7: Accentuate what you have, but don’t distort it
I used to spend hours on my hair and makeup every day because I was obsessed with perfection. I wore makeup so much I felt naked and unattractive without it. This insecurity is caused by visual distortion. When you wear excessive makeup daily or undergarments that shape your body forcefully, you train your eyes to accept a false representation of yourself. Because of this insecurity, I had to force myself to stop wearing makeup for several months to retrain my eyes.
Solution
Challenge yourself to stop wearing makeup until you get used to seeing your face. At first, your co-workers may ask you if you’re sick, which can make you feel even more insecure. It’s time to break away from the lie that you need makeup to be beautiful.
Once you stop obsessing over your appearance, you can actually felt more confident about your looks. After you learn how to control the impulse to wear excessive makeup due to insecurities, try wearing minimal makeup such as mascara, bronzer and lipstick occasionally if you feel that it adds a little pep to your step. Minimizing my use of makeup can help you appreciate the bells and whistles for special occasions. It can feel like a spa day to glam it up instead of an obligation.
STEP #8: Don’t buy ugly clothes just because they’re comfortable.
Look, I get it, sweats and t-shirts are comfy. You didn’t click on my article to talk about comfort. You are here because we’re talking about how to feel like a sexy mom. Sweats just don’t cut it. If you want to be comfortable, find sexy, comfortable things to wear. I don’t own a pair of sweats. I consider them an abomination.
I use colorful boho maxi dresses that cinch at the waist with a drawstring and flow elegantly. They are nothing more than glorified mumus. I wear them around the house like pajamas. When I go out, I add accessories and cute sandals. I always get compliments for wearing mumus. If you don’t like dresses, try buying a set of attractive activewear outfits. If you’re dressing down, it looks like you are coming from the gym instead of looking rough.
Step #9: Buy clothes that compliment your body type
Most insecurities can be avoided by buying the right clothes for your body type. An outfit can make or break your confidence. No two bodies are created the same, which is why it’s best to avoid buying something because you like the way it looked on another person or the mannequin. It is important that you wear clothes that are right for your body type.
Another important thing to do is make sure that you have a wardrobe that is accommodating to weight fluctuation if you have a consistent 5-10lb weight flex throughout the year. I do this so I don’t buy more clothes to accommodate my weight gain. Buying clothes after gaining 5-10lbs can be discouraging- especially if you have to buy a size up.
Step #10: Do something for yourself that makes you feel special and beautiful.
Being a mom means that you are always taking care of other people. I know that I love cooking elaborate dinners for my family and serving them at a set table with ambient music and lighting. I love to make my family feel special. What do you do for yourself to feel special? This is important because you are a valuable member of your family.
For me, I enjoy splurging on a pedicure or a massage. It’s important to budget your self-care treatment as an expense along with your other expenses so you can take it seriously. You deserve special treatment. Don’t put your self-care off your radar.